I’ve been away from my PC for a few days now. I sometimes like to take time away to rethink, reevaluate my current situation. It’s no surprise to any loyal readers that the months of March through May are always tough for me. It’s a recurring theme I suppose you could say.
The funny part of this entry is that; after 1 month of no entries and a long time to think. What you are reading is all I have to say. I did write pages and pages of outlandish ramblings. I did write paragraphs that detailed my woes. The problem is that it all seemed like a garbled mess of thoughts. More importantly, that is how I feel; a garbled mess of thoughts.
I haven’t been able to focus since closing the company. XBLIG has proven to be useless as a business model that only serves hobbyists and one-man-army development houses. PC has never been a platform that has brought me fortune. On top of it all, I have struggled with the same stupid problem for nearly a decade if not more. I have never gotten over the art hump.
As much as I love to be in the company of others, I am not what most people would call a social butterfly. I dislike small talk, often forgoing the usual rituals of conversation. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy an engaging conversation. It’s just that most conversations I don’t find to be very engaging. With that said, it is difficult to find a compatible development partner. It has become so difficult, in fact, that I’ve simply given up. After 10 years, I have officially reached the definition of insanity…
On a gaming forum, someone made a comment that I found to be fairly personal. We were debating some fairly well known issues that programmers and artists don’t generally see eye-to-eye. No surprise there. I have however always prided myself in being on equal ground with every member of my development team, be it programmer or artist. I have a huge respect for the amazing work that each person puts forth, the sacrifices they make to reach the level of skill that they have. I know this because I have done the same. I have worked very hard, my entire adult life, to be a better person than the man I was the day before. It is exhausting some days, but what this person said to me made me pause. It affected me more than I thought it would have. She implied that if things aren’t working out after countless tries that, “maybe it’s you.”
There are some things that you just can’t change. Personality is like an incurable disease, it’s something that you are born with. It can be managed with proper treatment but it will never go away. Perhaps my quirks have played a larger role in my life than I am aware of.
Her words were harsh, and crossed the line of debate into personal attacks. Normally I brush off the trolls but I fear that she is probably right. I had convinced myself that; in all these years, it was just bad luck, poor matches, and incompatible personalities. Maybe the answer is much simpler than chemistry, maybe it’s just me.